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If you are over the age of 25, there is a good chance that you have had a weekend like this: you by yourself, doing everyday chores or reading or just catching up on your favourite shows and/or books, and you might suddenly catch yourself thinking, 'Am I enjoying being alone, or am I just being distracted from the fact that I am lonely?'. Well, some version of that thought might have crossed our minds during our adulthood, especially in a world where being connected often seems to be the norm. 

‘Alone’ and ‘lonely’ are often used as interchangeable words and even to describe how one feels. But experts and research suggest that the two are very different experiences. 

Being by yourself is the physical state of being alone. It simply means you are in your own company. Loneliness, on the other hand, is defined as an emotional state. You tend to feel lonely when your social needs are not being met, even if you are surrounded by people.

In fact, a study by researchers on loneliness, John Cacioppo and Louise Hawkley, defines loneliness as a form of ‘perceived social isolation’; this emphasizes that people can live solitary lives even without feeling lonely, while some people might end up feeling lonely despite having active social lives. 

You have heard it in so many songs: the feeling of “being alone even in a crowd" - but think about it for a moment. Have you ever felt disconnected even when you were amongst a lot of people? It is not the same feeling as when you are alone with a book, a movie, or doing something like making yourself a meal or indulging in your hobby. These experiences highlight the difference between being lonely and being alone, perfectly. 

We are often taught that being alone is something sad, something to pity. But research on solitude has found that when you spend time alone, it can help reduce stress, increase feelings of autonomy, and create opportunities for you to self-reflect. People often report feeling more authentic and less pressured by external expectations when they spend time by themselves. 

The key, then, to knowing if you are alone or lonely lies in your ability to choose to be intentional with how and who you spend your time with.

Ask yourself this question when you are confused: Does the absence of connection and people drain me, or am I refreshed by the space to myself? 

If your time alone leads to rest, relaxation and reflection, you might enjoy being alone. But, if your answer to the first question is yes, it might be time to seek meaningful connections and work towards being a part of the community. 

Being alone is not a problem to solve. Loneliness is a signal to understand.

The goal is not to avoid being alone but to build relationships and spaces that help us become comfortable in our own company as well.