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Few things could be more mentally and emotionally draining than trying to explain yourself to someone who has decided not to listen. It could be a family member who dismisses your feelings, a colleague who isn’t open to seeing your perspective, or a friend who misunderstands your intentions. Your intentions in these situations are often the same: if you explained more, justified your stand better, you hope they’ll understand. 

But what if understanding is not their goal? 

As author Stephen R. Covey said in his popular book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply”. 

The realization that not everyone is willing to, or even able to, see a perspective different from theirs is a hard one. It might sometimes be because they are protecting their own beliefs, and sometimes it is because acknowledging a different perspective might require admitting they were wrong. And, most times they might simply lack the emotional capacity to hold two contradicting truths at the same time.  

Experts call this emotional invalidation: dismissing, minimizing or ignoring someone’s thoughts or feelings. What is pivotal to understanding and validating one’s perspective is that it doesn’t have to mean agreement; it simply means acknowledging that another person’s experience and thoughts are as real as ours. 

Communication is a two-way process. So, how do you deal with someone who isn’t participating in that process? 

Recognizing the difference between can’t and won’t listen. Some people genuinely struggle to understand because they’re overwhelmed or poor communicators. Others might have already decided that your perspective doesn’t matter. Being able to tell the difference can save us from investing time and emotional energy into conversations that go nowhere. 

If someone is struggling to acknowledge your view, giving them time and space after calmly presenting it should help. In the absence of conflict through conversation, people who have the capacity to listen will find their openness to your view. 

But it is also important to know when to stop trying to convince someone who isn’t listening. Healthy conversations are built on mutual respect and a willingness to listen. If the other person dismisses your point repeatedly, you don’t have to keep attempting to prove it. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself and the relationship is to calmly state your perspective, without the obligation to defend it endlessly. 

This doesn’t have to mean giving up on your view; it means you see where it is respected and acknowledged. Not everyone deserves unlimited access to your emotions. Sharing your experiences with those who approach you with empathy is far more important than trying to be heard by someone who is committed to misunderstanding you. 

If you’ve tried your best to be heard, the responsibility of hearing does not lie with you. It is important to make peace with the fact that being dismissed by someone unwilling to understand does not invalidate your reality. Some conversations build bridges, and some teach us to set healthy boundaries.